I realize there will be a portion of those reading for whom the following post will make ABSOLUTELY no sense, and then there is a group reading who will get the reference, and some of THOSE people will think I am a complete asshole, or worse, a complete asshole who DOESN’T GET IT, but I’m betting there’s at least one of you who will see where I am coming from.

So I read a fair number of blogs, and some of those blogs are “popular” by some metric I am unaware of, but it’s one of those things you just KNOW, like how Allie is the popular one in class, even though you, at age 15, cannot for the life of you understand why, because she’s not terribly smart, she’s not particularly nice, and while, indeed, she is conventionally attractive, there are more attractive girls in your high school (but the fact that you notice this sort of thing is perhaps something you might be better off keeping to yourself for another couple years, when you’re out of high school and you figure out WHY you notice these things, and that LO, there are other people out there who are just like you).  I also read some blogs I suspect are less “popular” if the metric is simply page views, so the point I am trying to make is that I consider myself a well-rounded blog reader.

So I read blogs, and follow along on Twitter, so I would also consider myself to have a general idea of what is happening in the very public parts of the mommy-blogging community.  I choose the word “public” with great care, because you know.  There are ten million blogs out there that might fall under the category of “mommy-blog” (which, good lord, what an asinine title), so the idea that there exists a monolithic block of women (CASE IN POINT: not all mommy-blogs are written by women, or people who identify as women, but you never hear anyone talking about that, do you?) who all blog the same way with the same ideas and have the same life goals is completely ludicrous (covered HERE particularly well by TJ).  Everyone either laughs or is appropriately horrified when Donald Trump says he has a good relationship with “the blacks,” but no one bats an eyelash when the media, or even members of the “community” talk about mommy-bloggers like you could choose one at random and have her speak for the rest of the blogs that fall under that general category.

Dude. Sorry, I don’t know where I was going with that.  Anyways, one of the ways I observe the public parts of the blogging community is by “watching,” mostly via Twitter, what happens at large blogging conferences, where larger or smaller numbers of bloggers congregate and then (some of them) live-tweet sessions.  I personally am not a fan of the live-tweeting of sessions, mostly because the snippets people live-tweet are completely devoid of context, and therefore end up sounding like the same self-help bullshit we’ve been hearing FOREVER, even if you, the person at the session, heard it live and in context, and it changed your life.  Unless you’re providing a complete transcript of the talk via Twitter, you’d be way better off saving it for a blog post, where some context might be provided. On the other hand, a devoid-of-context snippet is just what sparked this post, so maybe I am not so against it as I might seem.

ANYWAYS.  Christ, now that you’ve waded through my 500 word introduction, here’s the meat.  At the Blissdom conference in January of this year, Brene Brown (disclaimer: I do not read her blog or follow her on Twitter, I just know that’s where the original idea came from, at least in this context) gave an address that asked attendees to think of the person in their lives whom they could ask to move a body, and since that talk, the concept of a person who would help you move a body, the person in your life who is your best friend, your most trusted advisor, has been floating around the very small corner of the internet I frequent.

Look, I get it.  It’s a metaphor for the person who you trust the most, who would help you in a jam, who safeguards your secrets.  This person would do anything for you, and you for them (presumably), and getting caught up on the semantics of “move a body,” which is what I am about to do, is totally and completely besides the point.  Well…. to a certain extent.  Words have meanings, and so, to me, the “move a body” idea is more than just the illustration for a concept, it’s a real thing in the world.

So, what the hell am I talking about?  Well, see, in my mind, this best friend, this keeper-of-secrets, this three-AM-phone-call person is also the person I’d hope would be the no-nonsense, get-to-the point, no-bullshit person in my life.  I’d have talked to this person WELL before whatever situation I got myself into required me to move a body.  This person would have already told me to pull myself together.  This person would have already gotten me to counseling or rehab or an inpatient facility, would have already done things for me I’d maybe not be super happy about in the moment, but I’d recognize, afterwards, that they’d been right to remove me from a situation wherein I might have had to MOVE A BODY.

And if it did get to the point where moving a body was my solution to whatever mess I’d gotten myself into, I’d hope (I REALLY REALLY DO) this person would argue that good people, caring, gentle, and moral people do not move bodies.  They find the courage within themselves to shoulder the consequences of whatever unsavory actions they’ve undertaken, even if it results in nasty personal situations.  I’d hope this person would promise me to support me and remain my friend, even if I did go to jail, or whatever the consequences for actually moving a body are.  I’d hope this person would help me understand that there is always time to redress your wrongs, to do right in the world, to make a difference, even IF moving the body seems like the most reasonable thing to do at the time.  I’d hope this person would make me want to be more courageous, not LESS.

And since I (presumably) felt strongly about this person, I’d think twice, or maybe three times, before asking them to make a mess of their lives by becoming an ACCESSORY TO MURDER.  Or a crime scene tamper-er, or evidence destroyer (been watching too much Law & Order, I see), or whatever sort of crime the person you ask to help you move a body then becomes guilty of.  Asking a person to make a move that has the potential to really mess up their lives and that of their families would be pretty shitty on my part.  It would make me think that I might not be the type of person who even had, much less DESERVED, a sort of friend who might go to bat for me like that, if I were willing be so cavalier with their lives, to you know, ASK THEM TO MOVE A BODY.

Look, I get it.  Brene Brown (most likely) did not literally want her listeners to find a person they might really and truly ask to move a body.  But those are the words she used, and since I only “heard” them live-tweeted out of context, I can only assume what she did mean, and I can only tell you what sort of images “moving a body” evoked for me. There has got to be a better catch phrase that calls to mind your BFF, preferably one that doesn’t involve KILLING SOMEONE ELSE.

So, should we meet, and become the sort of friends and confidantes that might lead me to, one day, ask you to help me move a body, please, for the love of all things holy, say NO.