As I mentioned on Twitter, there is a billboard by my house that states, in large, emphatic lettering, that Judgment Day is May 21st, 2011, and that this fact is guaranteed by the Bible. There were more words on the billboard, but at 35 miles per hour, I missed them. I am assuming, however, to have gotten the gist of the billboard- like I don’t think that somewhere in the small print there’s a little “April Fool’s!” which would cause me to think this billboard was a huge asshole-ish joke. No, I’m pretty sure, for better or worse, the person who paid to create and display this billboard truly does believe that May 21st is, indeed, Judgment Day.
Normally I wouldn’t give this sort of billboard a second thought, but I was stuck in traffic, and there was no good music on the radio, so I started thinking about this doomsday message, and what it means for me personally. You see, on May 21st, I will be almost exactly one month away from my due date, which means that if it is ACTUALLY Judgment Day, then something seriously interesting is going to have to happen.
Clearly, as a dirty homo sinner, I will be burning in hell, or dying here on Earth or whatever it is that happens to dirty homo sinners on Judgment Day, and not rapturing up to Heaven on angel wings, or whatever it is that non-dirty homo sinners get to do on that particular day. But the fetus, now the fetus is another story altogether, right?
If the fetus is actually a person, you know, from the moment of conception, then shouldn’t he or she be judged on his or her own merits? And since the fetus has had precious little time to sin during his or her 6.5 months of personhood (since conception, remember), and whatever sins he or she may have committed are most likely my fault, what with me being the HOST BODY, and shit, then shouldn’t the fetus have access to the rapturing angel wings, or the flying to heaven, or the whatever happens to a pure soul on Judgment Day?
If we agree that the fetus is pure and will be heading to heaven, then how, exactly does this happen? Will he or she pop out of my belly and head skyward? Will I go into labor a month early, in an effort to get this pure soul detached from its sinner host? Will the pure baby CLAW its way out of me, Alien style, at the appointed time?
If I die during this fetus rapturing event, does that make the fetus a murderer? And no longer pure? Or is it ok because I am a dirty homo sinner, and I get what I deserve for standing in the way of a pure soul obtaining its rapturing angel wings and one way ticket to heaven?
Another option, of course, is that the sins of the mother are visited upon the child, meaning my child is therefore ALSO a dirty homo sinner, and we’ll get to stay here on Earth or burn in hell, or whatever it is that happens to those of us not getting angel wings and a trip to heaven. I kinda hope it’s this one, because it would be a really shitty deal to gestate this fetus for 8 months and not even get to MEET it.
Religion is confusing.