I have been reading the blogs of women who happen to have had, in the course of their blogging, a child or two, so I am aware that in announcing a pregnancy in a public forum, I am opening myself up for a variety of questions, most likely well-meaning, though probably really fucking nosy. I also think we can all agree that the questions are inappropriate, and they are annoying, and that people should just stop already, the processes happening within my interior are not actually up for discussion, but that the questions will come anyways, so we might as well use them for amusing blog fodder, while we’re at it.
Frequently Asked Questions of This Particular Lesbian Blogger:
Do You Know Your Donor?: I think I’ve covered this one at length here, so the short answer is no, I don’t. The longer, more complicated answer is that I know some things about him, perhaps more than some straight people might know about the person they are choosing to reproduce with (I am not JUDGING, I am just saying, for the love of God, that one of the few perks of being gay is that you do, to a certain extent, get to pore over the details of your future child’s genetic material).
I don’t really know the statistics on this one, but what percentage of lesbians do you think actually know their donors? If the limit of your exposure to lesbian motherhood is Melissa Etheridge, then maybe I can see being somewhat surprised to find out that my donor is not my gay next-door neighbor (Note: I do not have a gay neighbor), or a musical legend I just happen to know very well. I was under the impression (perhaps very wrong), that knowing the donor wasn’t super high on a lesbian mom’s list, given that maybe she already had a child-rearing partner in mind, like, you know, HER PARTNER.
I feel like, when I get this question, that my questioner has in mind a scenario wherein my gay bestie is eager to donate his superior genetics; he offers to be my donor, and then we live in gay harmony in a gay commune where gay daddy shares in the gay child rearing. Perhaps this happens. Perhaps it happens all the time, but it isn’t happening to me, and if you feel comfortable asking me this question, I hope to God it means we know each other well enough for you to know that this scenario is completely OFF THE WALL.
The super feminist in me feels like it comes from a place of feeling, no matter how subconsciously, that a child needs a mother and a father to be raised “correctly.” These are ideas that are so deeply ingrained, even I have them from time to time, even as I prepare to raise a child without a father (and note, I pick these words carefully. This child will have a genetic donor, not a FATHER). My kid will have, on the other hand, two loving parents that worked hard to have her, so who her donor is ain’t noneya.
Did You Use In Vitro To Get Pregnant?: Look, on the one hand, I see why this could be perceived as a legitimate question. Lesbians getting pregnant is not your everyday news, and if you didn’t stop and take a moment to think it over, you might think this is a valid line of inquiry (again, leaving aside the issue of whether or not it’s any of your motherfucking business in the first place). But on the other hand, why don’t you take a moment to think it over? This question baffled me the first time I got it. It’s not as if, upon learning that the brain has decided it’s gay, the ovaries decide to take a permanent vacation from working as they did just last week, before the brain decided it was gay. If that were so, all those frat boys would be out their favorite joke about lesbians, and how hard it must be to live in our houses when we’re both on the rag.
My ovaries work just the same as any other straight woman’s out there, and while there are undoubtedly lesbians who have needed to use IVF to get pregnant, it is not the go-to technique for all lesbian pregnancies. Perhaps I’ll just start asking my straight counterparts to tell me how they got pregnant? You know, in detail?
Actually, those are the two questions I get most often that are gay-specific- all the rest are the sort I am sure plague all parents-to-be. It sort of makes me wonder if there are other gay-specific questions people want to ask, but aren’t?
In the rest of pregnancy news, there is precious little to report. The fetus has been spotted in the correct location, and consists of all the correct appendages. I feel fine in the morning, and like shit in the evening. It is apparently the size of a green olive, leading J and I to make all sorts of bizarre cannibalistic jokes about olive oil (I don’t know either).
And PS, because I have no idea how to end this: I find it very interesting that for the purposes of this blog, I refer to myself as a lesbian ALL THE TIME, even though, in real life, I almost never use that descriptor, using “gay” instead, if at all (turns out most people don’t need to know). Although being pregnant has forced me to come out to all sorts of people I wouldn’t otherwise, what with their insistence on knowing whether or not my husband is excited about my pregnancy.