I know that admitting this “out loud” will most likely send me so deep into the toilet I’ll see halfway to China, but I have yet to suffer any significant pregnancy symptoms- no nausea, no overactive sniffer, no… well, I don’t know what other horrible symptoms afflict newly pregnant women, since I am not currently experiencing any them.
The only thing, besides the glaringly obvious lack of visits from Aunt Flo (why the fuck did I just type that? I NEVER call it “Aunt Flo” in real life- it’s my damn period, already), I’m feeling that might indicate that something is happening in my lower regions is some sore body parts, most notably boobs and back. Mostly I feel like I’m ABOUT TO GET my period, any minute now, and then I’ll just stop being so achey. The ultrasound has different ideas- there is definitely something in there, and apparently, this Thursday, we’ll be able to see the thing’s heartbeat.
Evidence I am not right in the head: while I distinctly enjoy not having to spend any time head-first in a toilet, there is a part of me that wonders if there’s something amiss? And worse, am I missing something essential to the whole pregnancy experience? I told you I was mental.
I am, of course, barely pregnant at all, so there is still plenty of time for vomiting and gas and bloating, and if I were you, I wouldn’t be surprised if I was back next week, writing a post about how I’d done nothing but vomit all week, in front of my new coworkers. Speaking of which- does this morning sickness give you some sort of warning? At one point, there were no fewer than 4 pregnant women working in my immediate vicinity, and I never saw a single one even bolt for the bathroom. I never even saw one of them look vaguely green either- perhaps I am not the most observant of individuals, but I would have guessed I would have seen SOMETHING, no? Perhaps other people have better vomit control reflexes than I do- I don’t feel that’s the sort of gastrointestinal event I’m in control of.
I didn’t actually mean to spend a whole paragraph discussing vomit-CHRIST.
Straight out of the “Be Careful What You Wish For” files: I wrote the first half of this post at the office, and started to feel all sorts of queasy on the drive home. THE MIND IS A POWERFUL THING.
Mentally, on the other hand, there are a whole slew of thoughts swirling around in there. Sometimes I find myself exclaiming “Hey! I’m pregnant!”, as if it were the most novel thing I’ve ever said about myself, and other days it barely registers at all. Sometimes I think it’s all a hoax- like my period is going to show up tomorrow, and I’ll have been the butt of some giant cosmic joke. And other times I am so deeply conflicted about being a parent to an actual human being, I wonder how it is I convinced myself to get knocked up in the first place. So, you know- the whole range: excited, terrified, ambivalent.
And then there’s the awful pessimist who hides in the back of my brain- not even a healthy dose of Lexapro can completely quiet the voice that says “it’s too early.” Too early to get excited, too early to count on this lasting the whole way through. I’m not sure that’s ever going to go away.