Has anyone else noticed how OBSESSED Ryan Seacrest is with all things gay?
Prior to moving to LA County, I had little to no thoughts about Ryan Seacrest, other than “damn, way to come out of apparent nowhere, dude.” He seemed innocuous enough, hosting his American Idol and repeatedly making us wait through the next commercial break to see if Joe Bob would get a ticket to Vegas, or where ever it is they send them these days.
But then I moved here, and started to listen to morning radio. Look, I’m not ashamed to admit it- I like me some Top 40 radio. I like mainstream, over processed, barely recognizable as singing, Miley Cyrus pop. I know all the words to Party In the USA, and the only difference between you and me is that I am totally willing to admit it while 100% sober.
Anywho- since I like mainstream radio, I loaded up my car’s presets with all that LA mainstream radio has to offer, which includes 102.7 KIIS, where every other song is that Eminem/Rhianna ditty, and even that didn’t get me to stop listening.
As an aside- how to radio people know how many people listen to their particular station? How is market share calculated? I certainly can’t recall ever telling anyone what stations I listen to, so there has to be some other magic algorithm out there that delivers this information. I imagine this is a question I will never obtain the answer to, being too lazy to actually research the answer, but it does give you an idea of the sort of things that swirl around in my head during the morning commute.
OK, back to Ryan Seacrest, and the morning show he hosts on KIIS. I listen to this station, among others, during the 20 minutes it takes me to cover the 5 miles between J’s office and our house. And usually the morning chatter is completely innocuous, and as a bonus I get to find out what Paris Hilton is up to, reported AS PART OF THE NEWS. You know, alongside flooding in Russia, bombings in Jerusalem, and Lindsay Lohan’s court dates. LA is a strange, strange place.
GOOD GOD, I cannot tell a story in any sort of coherent fashion, can I? Ok, so a couple of weeks ago, I am listening to Ryan and his morning show, and he has a guest on there. I cannot tell you any more about why this guest was there, or what particular talent he possesses that might make him a worthwhile radio guest, because Ryan spent the entire 20 minutes I was listening trying to convince this gentleman he was gay. Why, you might ask? Apparently this guest was wearing the marker of flaming homos everywhere: a tie-dyed tank top with large arm holes. Not content with the guest’s assertion that he “likes the ladies,” Ryan continued to insist that STRAIGHT MEN, do not, in fact, wear tie-dye, tank tops, or any vestment with large arm holes. Clearly, Ryan has never attended a Grateful Dead concert, or been in the presence of certain Harley-Davidson aficionados. To his credit, the guest took it in stride, which is more than I would have been able to do, had Ryan employed his next tactic on me; namely to ask all the other people present in the studio to opine on the guest’s sexuality, and protest mightily when they appeared to simply shrug and say, “maybe he just likes tank tops?” “BUT HE’S WEARING A TANK TOP!” Ryan yelled repeatedly. Look, dude, if you ask someone if they’re gay and they say no, why the fuck don’t you just drop it?
Having not learned my lesson, I was listening again to Ryan’s morning drivel. This morning’s topic was, predictably, the Emmy’s. People winning awards for their hard work, was not, however, what Ryan had on his mind this morning. No, no, today, he wanted to discuss Neil Patrick Harris and his twins. And not just in general, but SPECIFICS. As in, the specifics of how two men might find themselves to be having twins. No, no, the SCIENTIFIC how. Like, who’s part went where? How, exactly, did it happen?
I don’t really need to expound on why this is the most horrifying line of questioning ever, do I? It’s like me going up to my straight friends and insisting they explain to me, with diagrams, and perhaps a live show, EXACTLY HOW their child was conceived. I mean, you know, SCIENTIFICALLY. FOR SCIENCE. Because I don’t get it? As if it were totally within my right to inquire about the specific genetic provenance of their children. Ryan, it would appear, is so totally fascinated by the mechanics of gayness that the boundaries of propriety no longer interest him.
Look, Ryan, you started it. I now feel completely justified in conjecturing regarding your sexuality, as does, apparently, your GIRLFRIEND. You must have, by now, heard the line about protesting too much? The Ryan, he doth protest too much, methinks.
I kinda hope it IS some sort of deep-in-the-closet-ness, because the alternative is almost too much to bear. That it is actually OK to speculate on certain people’s private lives on a radio show that gets re-broadcast nationwide. That gay people aren’t even actually smart enough to answer questions about their own sexuality, since when you’re dissatisfied with their answer, it is ACCEPTABLE to ask other strangers what the “correct” answer is. That gay people are not even actually PEOPLE, since their desire to have and raise children is really just a very interesting science experiment, and not the very human drive NORMAL, STRAIGHT people experience.
Clearly, I need to make myself some mix CDs to listen to in the morning.