Oh, hey, in all this moving excitement, I almost forgot about the part where I am also getting married in two months. Well, not really, since I made a critical error in signing up with The Knot, and now I get annoying emails telling me that the wedding is now X months away, and have I done the following things to be ready, lest my wedding be the most horrid affair anyone was ever invited to?
Things The Knot has inquired about thus far: bridesmaid’s dresses, gift bags for out-of-town attendees, cake toppers, groom’s gifts, personalized gifts for the bridesmaids, and of course, thong panties with BRIDE bejeweled across the front. I suppose with one month to go there will be a 10% off coupon for bridal vajazzling, and an in-depth expose covering the ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL Botox procedures I must obtain in order to be happy on my wedding day. I don’t think the people who write for The Knot are ACTUALLY this naive, but their copy certainly does imply that if I indicated to them that I was marrying another woman and that there would be NO bridesmaids in attendance, they’d simply IMPLODE.
So, other than the constant reminders from The Knot that my wedding is going to be an absolute piece of shit, the planning is going well. The caterer has been booked, the venue paid for, the dress secured, rings purchased, and the officiant has been located, a significantly easier piece of the pie than I originally anticipated. Our officiant is a lovely woman who will no doubt perform a wonderful ceremony for us. We’ve even chosen vows that don’t have either the word “god” or “obey” in them!
The only thing really left to do is write my part of the vows- the “statement” I intend to make to J before she puts a ring on my finger. I’m not sure how quite to sum up the past three years- how to say how I feel in a few words I feel comfortable enough to say in front of my mother. I’m hoping at this point to come up with something more eloquent than “damn, that bitch is FINE” but I wouldn’t hold your breath.